Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Dear Jesus

Sorry about this, but I'm confused. It seems this is the day before something called Black Friday. This is apparently the anniversary of your death, as worked out by astrologers, who are people your church despise. Easter Monday's when you came back from being a corpsicle. This whole thing has been turned into a public holiday that everyone, including Muslims, Hindi, Buddhists, Atheists, and Satanists have to take. Some shops have to close, others don't. (I guess that if you're ominpotent, you'll know that I thorouhgly diapprove of Sunday shopping. Brownie points to me, eh?)

So, I'm not complaining. Apart from the fact that I have to work like a bastard in order to get the work done properly so people who think you're the bee's knees have plenty of Mills & Boon books to see them through. Of course, you'd know what it's like to work like a bastard, because you were one. I'm pretty sure your dad and Mary weren't married - which does make your followers getting all twitchy about extra-and-pre-marital sex look a little foolish...

Anyway, that's not what confuses me. If I wanted real confusion, I'd read the gospels in your book again, and try to reconcile them. If the book was divinely inspired, then your dad or the angles were lousy editors. No - what's confusing me is that Coronation Street's on't tele, and they're blithering on about Christmas.

New brilliant dinner party game: After the third glass of wine, have each person think of a politician, write their name down, and toss it into the ring. Then the table draws each name by turn, and decides what a Coronation Street character with that name would be like. Margaret Thatcher, for instance, would be Mrs Bucket type, working in the knicker factory. John Key would be this year's serial killer, and Helen Clark would be a blowsy barmaid at the Rovers. Geddit? Hilarious.

LISTENING TO: The Kills, "Midnight Boom. VFG indeed.

READING: "The Wild Blue", Stephen Ambrose. About the B24 crews in Europe. VFG too.

WORD OF THE DAY: Dachsador. I saw one yesterday. Poor bloody thing: a cross between a Labrador and a Dachshund. It had a Dachshund's body, and the Labroador's massive head... and the Lab coat. The body was to small to hold a head that size. The dog'll die young, and in pain.

Paper Heroes:

The ownership of firearms is restricted to a relative few: farmers, conservationists, zookeepers – people who work with animals.

Satellite observation shows a massive meltdown at three antique nuclear power stations near San Jose in California. The fallout must scour life from all areas south of San Francisco, down to the tip of Baja California. Millions die in Mexico: how many perish in ‘Merika is never known. . The coincidental failure of the plants must have been planned and deliberate. Offers of aid are ignored. The Commonwealth research ships retreat. There is now an effective 100-mile no-go zone down the continent’s western coast.
In the Commonwealth, the massive disarmament project is nearly completed.
The massive Eneribbon project is completed. Earth is now circled by a strip of silver ribbon 30 kilometres wide and 2.5 microns thick. The ribbon collects and focuses the sun’s energy onto a system of 400 massive geo-stationery satellites that converts the light and heat into microwaves, which are then tight-beamed to stations on the surface. This abundant and inexpensive energy is available to all Commonwealth citizens. .
The Commonwealth’s last heart attack victim dies in Switzerland. Nano-technology has eliminated all major diseases: cancer, arthritis, AIDS, tuberculosis, heart-defects, tumours, and clogged arteries are all detected and repaired by the millions of molecule-sized self-replicating machines which are introduced to each infant’s bloodstream at birth. Illnesses that had once savaged entire populations have now become non-existent.
It is now 80 years since any communication came from ‘Merika. Satellite observations show that there is limited hydro-energy being used, and at least one nuclear power station still remains in service. There is little road traffic: what there is seems to be limited to armoured vehicles. Some rail transport is used. The horse is extinct, having been killed for food in the 22nd century. Estimates of ‘Merika’s population vary, but the best guess is less than 10 million.
In the Commonwealth, a great leap in nanotechnology provides each citizen with their own P-See, or Personal Computer. In fact, it is more accurate to say that each person is a P-See. The nanobots not only act as health providers and protectors, they also – by using the body’s own electromagnetic power – give each individual the ability to communicate instantly with anyone else on the planet, merely by sub-vocalising. It’s not telepathy, but it’s not far off. The nanobots also communicate with the great I-See centres around the world, with easy and instant access to the great data-banks and storage sites of knowledge, fact, opinion, and speculation that makes up the data-sphere.

The Great Wall project is successful: three iron / nickel asteroids are parked in orbit around the Moon, where they are mined. There is enough metal on the three orbiting mountains to meet the Commonwealth’s needs for the next millennium. Settlements are now established and thriving on the Moon, Mars, and one of Jupiter’s moons. Plans for the terraforming of Venus are in the advanced stage, with the first seed-ships loaded with blue-green algae launched. The periodic table is expanded by four new heavy elements, one of which, Adamantine, is capable of storing a vast amount of energy. The Heinlein battery is created: a fist-sized unit, it is capable of storing enough energy to power a family air-car for more than 50,000 kilometres before recharging.

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